My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
