I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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