I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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