i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
