just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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