In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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