You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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