honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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