Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
