I puked a lego.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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