we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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