I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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