once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
