Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
