my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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