I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
