I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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