Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
