the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
