So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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