and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
