I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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