My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
