Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
