Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
