I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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