girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
