im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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