haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
