Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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