I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
