so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
