I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
