I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
