I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
this hospital has no fireball
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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