Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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