last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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