the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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