Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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