so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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