I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I need a burrito and a hug.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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