you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I faked an abortion last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
