there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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