It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
