Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
