He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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