after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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