last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
