I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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