You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
