I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
