Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
