She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
