i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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