sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
