well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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