I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
