Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
