I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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