in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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