They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Houston, we have a blender
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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