Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
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God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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