Please, let me fuck your mom
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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